Broken

I haven't written here in so long. I have just been empty. I have had nothing to say here, I stopped going to my support group because I was just completely dried up. I spent so long feeling so much, it was overwhelming. Now, I'm back and completely heartbroken for my friend. Her baby boys have just gone to heaven and I just don't understand. When your child dies, you spend so much of your time trying to come up with some reason, some type of understanding. And the understanding that you come to is that there is no understanding. You just somehow, through lots and lots of prayer, finally reach peace. It is a fragile peace, one that can be disrupted, but it is a peace and an acceptance.

The truth is, I'm so incredibly angry right now I punch holes in my walls. IT ISN'T FAIR! Why do we have to go through this? Why does any mother have to bury a child? I'm back to not understanding, I'm back to anger. I cannot find words to be eloquent or to say the right thing. I'm pissed and I'm sad and I don't know what to do.

Please pray for my friend, Amy and her husband Craig.

How I Am

I have been thinking about Ethan, the journey and the future. I realize that people may not know if talking about Ethan is alright. If it will upset me if you bring him up. The truth is I want to know that he is remembered. You can't 'remind' me of him, he is always in my thoughts. So, this is where I am on this journey....

I am almost two years into this journey. It does get better. The pain lessens. I think of Ethan with smiles of happiness. I am happy, honored and proud that he was mine. I am sad that he isn't with me now. There are still times that I cry. I don't cry all day, I don't cry everyday, but I do still cry. It is hard for me to visit his grave. Since I don't live where he is buried, it is a fresh wound every time I go.

I think of him everyday. EVERY SINGLE DAY. There is not a day and will probably never be a day where he is not a thought that I have, a beat of my heart, a breath that I breathe. Does it hurt every time I think of him. No. Does it hurt sometimes? Absolutely. Sometimes I think of him and I'm happy. I'll remember something that he did while he was still with me, or a character trait he had, and I smile. How he jumped around and kicked but would calm down immediately if Andy put his hand on my belly. Other times I think how it would be different if he were here. We were roasting marsh mellows the other day and I was able to just sit and relax, knowing my children knew not to get too near the fire. The thought came to me that if Ethan were there, I would need to be much more vigilant. Other times the sadness and despair is enough to knock me to my knees. When I see a child who is his age and I realize how much I've missed, how much I will always miss because he is not here.

So, that's where I am. There are still days that I hurt almost unbearably. But for the most part, I have come to a sort of peace. Not an understanding...one day that will come, but it won't be in this lifetime. But peace and acceptance is here. And happiness. Happiness is here again, joy is here again. And if you want to talk about Ethan, want to mention his name, please do. It just brings me joy to know he is remembered and loved.

Going back to school

I have had a time trying to get certified in Tennessee. I have a current license in North Carolina and Tennessee does have a reciprical license with them. BUT, I have not taught for three years on the NC license, so I have to send them either a valid Georgia license or take four (yes, FOUR) PRAXIS test. They are horrible, horrible tests and I would only be certified in Tennessee. So, I'm going back to school for 6 hours of courses to get my certificate renewed in Georgia and then I will get a reciprical Tennessee license. WHEW! Make sense?

I am officially enrolled in some online courses and I'm nervous. I've never taken courses that were online. I'm a sit in the classroom and take notes sort of girl. So, we'll see how it goes. It sounds like I'm going to be really busy, especially trying to move at the same time. So, keep my in your prayers. Pray I will stay sane and my children will continue to be fed and bathed. Oh, and that I learn something and PASS MY CLASSES!!

Pray Urgently

I realized tonight that I have not had a whole lot to say lately. But I have had a significant amount of prayer requests. I actually have another one now. Please take the time when you read this to say a prayer for this little boy. Please pray for absolute healing. Please also pray for his parents and his family.

Ward Wright is 4 years old. Last Wednesday, April 22, they found a large mass in his abdomen, and it looks like it might have lesions that have attached to his spine. Here is Ward's webpage, where you can view pictures of him, read his story and keep updated. Thank you so much for your prayers for this beautiful little boy. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/wardwright

Please Pray for Stellan

You can click on the picture to go to the website that has Stellan's story.

March 14, 2009, around 9:30 pm...

My first born son accepted Jesus as his Savior!! I am so excited. We were saying prayers last night when he started asking questions about being saved. He has asked these questions on and off for the last year. He could tell me why Jesus came to Earth, he could tell me what sin was and that he sinned and needed forgiveness. But for the past year, at the end of his questions he would say, "And I can ask Jesus to come and live in my heart?" and I would say yes and ask if he wanted to then and he always replied, "Nah. Not right now." And that would be the end of it for a few months. Last night, he asked all those questions and told me what he understood. Then I said, "I love you, goodnight." And he said, "Wait Mom!! Can't I do it now? I want to ask Jesus to live in my heart now." How sweet?! I have this vision of him praying to Jesus and asking Him to come into his heart and accepting Him as his Savior. And as he is praying, his name is being written into the Book of Life. It was just beautiful and I am still beside myself with joy.

Please Pray

My brother in laws cousin, Courtney, was pregnant with sextuplets. She gave birth to four of them today, one yesterday and one on the 11th. All of the babies are in heaven now. Courtney's blood pressure has dropped dangerously low. Please keep her in your prayers. Pray for her physical healing and for the emotional healing for her and Allen.

http://www.thetippingfamily.com/

So, I'm Paranoid. So what?

Tonight at AWANA's, Jake and another child collided heads. Both were crying, both were holding their little heads. I looked at the other child's first. This was his second run in with another head tonight, so I was actually more worried about him. His forehead was red, but that was all, not really any swelling. So, I look over at Jake. He already had a huge, purple knot on his head that sunk in the middle. It looked like a volcano. I thought that I handled the situation pretty well. I jerked both of them up and raced down the hall to grab some ice pack. After we were there for a while and both of them had calmed down, I was still freaking out because of the way that Jake's lump was swelling. If it had just been a pop knot, I wouldn't have worried...well, not much, anyway. But with it sinking in the middle, I just couldn't really rest easy with it. One of the men that works with AWANA's asked me, "Do they not get a lot of bumps at your house?" Okay...here's the thing. They're boys. Of course they get a lot of bumps. It was the way the bump was. Plus, and I will freely admit it like I did tonight, I'm a paranoid mama. I haven't always been. At least, not the complete fruitcake that I am now. I was pretty nonchalant when Will was a baby. I put up baby gates at the top and the foot of the stairs. But when, at 18 months old, he started climbing the gates I took them down and didn't really worry about it. But, since Ethan died, I'm a basket case when it comes to the boys and sickness, fever or injury. I just am. Is it understandable? Sure. Do I need to get over it? Yeah, I think so. Jake was not very appreciative tonight that I wouldn't let him get up until a nurse looked at him. Oh, well. Something else to work on, right?